Breach Your Mind
Explore life's depths and unlock the secrets of mental well-being on "Breach Your Mind." Join us as we navigate the intricacies of the human experience, offering insights, inspiration, and practical strategies for a fulfilling life. Get ready to breach the barriers of conventional thinking, embrace self-discovery, and nurture your mental health. Let's embark on a transformative journey together. Welcome to Breach Your Mind.
Breach Your Mind
I’ll Never Be the Same, And That’s Okay
After nearly two decades in public safety, I’m not the man I used to be—and neither are most of us. In this episode, I talk about the unseen impact this work leaves on us, what it’s done to me, and how we can start taking some of that back.
Team 1, stand by. Copy Team 1 standing by Breach, breach, breach. What's going on? So, for those of us that work in the public safety profession or prior service the public safety profession or prior service For most that I've spoke with we were different people before we started doing this job, and what we've experienced, what we've seen, what we've dealt with, has had an impact on us. Anyone that knows me has had an impact on us. Anyone that knows me or, let me put it this way, anyone that has known me prior to me getting into public safety and knows me 19 years later, they can tell you the differences in me better than I can. I've been told many times that I'm not the same person that I was before I started doing this, and I find it hard to believe that anybody could remain the same person that they were prior to going into this type of career field, this type of work, this type of career field, this type of work. It's because we see a lot more of the bad than we do. The good and the bad that we see winds up leaving marks on us that we don't recognize are there more often than not. So that's what we're going to discuss today. That's what we're going to talk about is the changes that our professions have done to us.
Speaker 1:Y'all may have heard me talk about it before. I don't know or not. I can't remember if I've even said it. Excuse me, but back before I started, back before I started working in public safety, I was a drastically different individual, kind of wore the rose colored glasses saw the world as a very bright place, really had a hard time and obviously I would see bad things, especially when it was on the news. But I didn't view the world like I do now. And I say like I do now. I've adjusted it because I did realize the changes that it had caused in me. At some point I finally realized it. But I'm not the rose-colored glasses person anymore. I'm not the I really don't know how to describe myself. Then I was high school, the band nerd and ROTC, things like that. Um, very, for the vast majority of the time I was just somebody that was goofing off Um, and I'm not that person anymore, at least not to that extent.
Speaker 1:Um, I'm sure some of it has just been maturing. You know I'm 46 now, so I'm sure there's been a lot of that and it has to do with maturing, being a parent, being a grandparent, so I'm sure some of it has come from that, but a lot of it has come from the 19 years that I have been a public servant, from, you know, starting out, even even how I, even how I view the profession now is different than how I viewed it on day one of April 30th 2006. That's when I got into this, that's when I first day in field training, um, I view the job differently now than even then. So and it's really hard to put it in words, believe it or not I actually had a little bit of a, a little bit of a script, um, to kind of go off of for this, but apparently I didn't save it. So, in true me fashion, I'm going to have to wing it.
Speaker 1:But when I first started in this profession, I thought that I was going to be making a difference. I thought that I was going to be going around and doing nothing but taking bad guys off the street and ridding the world of evil. And you know I had a much different view of the job then, never really focused on traffic as a high priority for me. Obviously, I would enforce traffic laws and do the things that I needed to do, but I have always given way more warnings than I ever did citations. So I was never really a traffic Nazi, had a real hard time writing citations for some of the things that these other law enforcement officers do, and that's not downing them. You know the ones that are traffic minded. They provide a very strong service for this profession, because we do have a lot of people dying on our highways and and, uh, you know, a lot of bad things that happen. And then on top of it, you know I can't tell you off the top of my head right now, but there's been numerous serial killers that were. They were apprehended because of a traffic stop, whether it was because a taillight that was out or some other traffic infraction. So there's a very valuable portion of that aspect of the profession that's needed.
Speaker 1:It's just never been my focus. So you know, like I said, getting into it, my view on how to do this job was, you know that every day I came to work, I was going to be saving a life. Every day I came to work, I was going to stop a child from being harmed. Every day that I came to work, I was going to, you know, stop someone from being physically assaulted, and that's not been the case. That's not been the case at all. Now, granted, there are other things that we have to take into consideration when we look at it, you know. One is the area that I work in. My community is not LA, my community is not New York. The population in my community is vastly smaller than a lot of these other agencies, even agencies, that are around us, so we're going to have less of all of those things, but we still have the same stuff going on in our area that everyone else does.
Speaker 1:But in doing the job and trying to stay focused on what the goal was, I lost focus on who I was when I started, and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I'd like to think that the changes that happened in me were for a good cause. I'd like to think that the changes that came from this profession have made me better at what I do. You know, I feel certain that it's helped me when it comes to dealing with domestic violence. It's helped me when it comes to I don't know what you'd call it off the top of my head crisis intervention. There's just there's a lot of aspects that I'd like to think that these changes have made me better. I believe that I'm a better leader, I'm a better public servant. Because of those things left on me are things that stay with me.
Speaker 1:Um, and I was, and I hate it when it happens, but I was scrolling through TikTok and come across the video where there were and I don't know these guys, I don't know their background, I don't know their story, but they were commenting on another podcast or another content creator's material and what it was was two guys who say that they are former law enforcement and they were talking about problems within law enforcement you know, admin and a whole slew of other things, and these guys were just bashing these other content creators that are talking about these things that make the profession harder, that make doing the job of what we're supposed to, the law enforcement professionals that work there, and they're just bashing them. You know they're going off about how these guys are weak. They're going off about how you know when they were in, you know they weren't crybabies and this, that and the other and that one. I got aggravated with it because, while I can see where they come from and I can look at the younger generations of law enforcement and think, man, they're complaining about things that I would have never complained about. They're complaining about things that really make no sense to have a problem with, that really make no sense to have a problem with. So I kind of get where they're coming from with it.
Speaker 1:But to me, if you're not able and you're not willing to call out everything that makes the job harder and are just willing to say, well, it wasn't like that when I was in, you're not helping anybody. They're failing to realize, in my opinion, they're failing to realize how much the job has changed over the years. They're failing to realize how much society has changed. We only have the authority that we're allowed to have. We're only able to accomplish the things we're able to accomplish because of the trust that we have with our community. It doesn't take long for a community to decide you know what. Their law enforcement is irrelevant and they turn against you and that makes the job more difficult. They fail to realize that there are people in our profession that are in it solely for themselves. So by trash talking these other law enforcement officers, former law enforcement officers by trashing them about their opinions on what's made the job more difficult and talking about the things that have traumatized them. By just sitting there and trashing on them they're not helping anything.
Speaker 1:You know, it's part of that machismo that goes around in this profession and, honestly, it's gotten to the point now where it's almost sickening that if you're not the big tough guy and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you're just a crap cop. I'm not. I'm 6'2", about 280 pounds, work out, have wrestled a lot of people, fought a lot of people, done a lot of things in my profession. I'm no worse of a cop because of the crap that I've seen and I've called out. I'm the worst of a cop because I've realized that society has changed, the profession has changed, laws have changed, and calling out where the job has been made more difficult by people who aren't willing to change Doesn't make me less of a cop. And just because I'm an individual that focuses, or takes the time to focus, on the well-being and mental health of the others that do this profession doesn't make me less effective. But yet these two machismos are trashing other people that do the job because the cheesemose are trashing other people that do the job because, ah, back when I did the job, it wasn't like that and we didn't cry about everything and we didn't blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Good for you. Round of applause. Good for you. You're the big tough guy. Chances are you're also the one that everybody thought was an asshole all the time and the job you thought you were doing probably wasn't that great. It's that crap. That crap adds to it.
Speaker 1:Most of us that do this profession, whether it's law enforcement or just public safety in general we all go through crap in this job, all of us. You know, a lot of times dispatchers don't get the credit that they deserve. The men and women that do that job rarely get closure from the traumatic calls that come in. They have to wait to hear the story. They don't get the closure that everybody else does, you know. They listen to people screaming and hollering and crying on the phone and feel the helplessness. They hear the shots fired, call from their officers and there's nothing they can do other than keep silent or try to provide information and document everything. They hear the firefighter down, go out, or they hear about a firefighter that's trapped or needing recovery or any number of things. They sit there and they listen to crap all the time and they get nothing from it except those voices and sounds in their head and their mind makes up a movie for them.
Speaker 1:How many times have our EMTs had to fight combative patients? How many times have our medical professionals that go out into the field to do this job, how many times have they been assaulted while trying to do it? How many firefighters have had to sit there and fight off screaming and first responders fight off screaming, crying erratic family members because the house is on fire, because a child is not breathing, because the loved ones that you know their loved ones just got involved in this horrendous traffic crash? Every one of us experiences trauma on a level vastly higher than the general public, and to think you're going to walk away from that unscathed is unfathomable to me. Now, I'm sure there are some individuals because you know, it's possible that they may be the same now as when they entered a job. When they entered a job, I'm not one of them, nor are most of the individuals that I work with in public safety. Now. I've watched men that are great MMA athletes sitting there and break down because of something they saw. I've watched the professionals that I work with and, knowing them personally, I've watched them have some of the most difficult times with the things that are happening in their life because of something they went through in the job. Because of something they went through in the job and I won't say their name, and if they listen to this they'll know I'm talking about them, and I hope they know that this comes from a position of respect.
Speaker 1:How many of you have had a co-worker who's lost a loved one and then think there's something wrong with them because they don't feel the same as their significant other? I had a co-worker say that to me Brian, what's wrong with me? What do you mean? I don't feel the same way this person does over the loss of my family member. What's wrong with me? There's nothing wrong with them. There's nothing wrong with them at all.
Speaker 1:Death is something that we deal with on a regular basis. Horrible scenes is what we deal with on a regular basis, from something as gruesome as a traffic accident can be to a homicide. When you play in the mud, you get dirty, and that's what's happened to us. My family can tell you now that when we go into a restaurant, they all look to see where they're going to sit, because they know they have to figure out where I'm going to sit first Because they know that I'm not going to want my back to a door. I'm not going to want my back exposed to other people if I can help it, and it's got to be in a position that I can see everything going on around me. I can't eat in a restaurant without focusing on everybody else that's in the restaurant, everybody that's in that restaurant. I'm looking at their hands. I'm looking at what their eyes are doing, paying attention to who's coming into the doors.
Speaker 1:It's not something I choose to do, but because of the job that I do. It's caused me not to trust people. It's caused me to see people who were moments early, rational human beings having a conversation with you immediately turn into somebody who is irrational and trying to hurt you. Had to happen a number of occasions and because of those things I'm watching out. And when I've got my family with me it's even more Because the way I am, I am my family's protector. I've got the training, I've got the experience. I'm invaluable I say that's probably the wrong word I'm disposable For everyone that I care about, even strangers. I'd rather take the hit than them. So when I've got my family with me, I'm watching even harder that couple at the table over there that wants to start getting rowdy with the waiter, because you know they want something for free because all of a sudden, their meal's not prepared. I'm watching those people. The guy over at the bar that's on his eighth or ninth drink, who's slurring and stumbling I'm watching that guy, I'm paying attention.
Speaker 1:We go into public, we walk around in stores. I'm looking at people Paying attention to what they're around, Looking at what their intents are or what I perceive their intent to be, looking for danger, figuring out what I can do to protect myself and others if somebody decides to lose it all of a sudden. And these ain't things that I choose to do. I know that I do them and I try not to do them, but that's a trauma response. Now, for the most part, it's not something that affects my normal life. It doesn't stop me from enjoying my time with my family or enjoying my life, but it is a part of me. There are many things that this job has done for me or done to me that have affected my life. I generally get four or five hours of sleep at night, probably because I've worked shift work for the last 19 years 12-hour shifts. There's a lot of things. I'm not the only one. If you work in public safety or are a service member or prior service member, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1:There's a guy that I don't work with anymore, but I was working with him. Funny guy, still a funny guy, but he left for contract work, decided he wanted to go. He wanted, after years and years, decades of doing law enforcement work, he wanted to become a private contractor, got hired on, did his training, got deployed. Some things happened while he was gone. I saw him in Walmart the day one of the mornings that he got home. His wife picked him up from the airport. They stopped by Walmart to grab some things before they went to the house.
Speaker 1:And the look on his face. Even from 60, 70 feet away, he was a different man. Just looking at him. He was a different man and I could see it from that far off before he ever saw me. I walked up and I had to get his attention and I was standing right next to him. I walked up and I had to get his attention and I was standing right next to him because his mind had not reoriented to the fact that he was home. He was scanning the store for threats, immediate threats, because where he was, where he was, he had no idea where the next threat was, because everybody was dressed the same they're all dressed like normal citizens in the area he was at but he had no idea if that ordinary looking citizen was going to be somebody that was going to harm him and his team and his mind was stuck there Work with other members that were prior service and because of things they went through while they were in their respective branches, the 4th of July was horrible for them Getting out on a call or trying to interview a person while there's explosions going off from the fireworks behind them.
Speaker 1:That was tough for them to deal with. We all go through it. Kudos to the ones that don't, who are unchanged. Either you're lying, which I hope you can get to a point where you can be truthful I say lying, you're in denial. Maybe that's a better way of putting it. But the ones that truly aren't affected by it, kudos, kudos to you, and I wish in some parts I possess that, as do, I think, many of the people that I work with in the profession, but the job makes a lasting effect on you.
Speaker 1:The key to what we have to do is we have to be able to recognize those changes and those changes that disrupt our lives, that make lives, our lives with our families, more difficult, those things that take away from the joy that we can have in life. We've got to recognize those and we've got to start making those changes. My wife has been a huge help for many of them, mainly in how I communicate with her and how I communicate with our kids and our grandkids. She still has to call me out about things. I've been with this woman for 26 years and she still has to call me out about some of the things that I say or do because of how I've changed with the profession, how I've been told that I don't have the same patience with my own family that I have to have on the job. And if anybody deserves more patience, more understanding, it's my family. If anybody deserves every ounce of effort I can give, it's my family and it's my wife that helps call that out and I'm still working on it. I'm still working on it.
Speaker 1:Just a month ago or so, she brought to my attention some things I was doing. I'm like I'm not trying to be an ass when I answer that way, I'm just trying to answer the question, but it's how you're answering the question. It's how you're saying what you're saying. Okay, all I can say is I'm going to work on it and that's what I do. Have a question that comes up that wants to make me respond a certain way, I try to pause before I answer, or I at least acknowledge before I answer that this may come off differently than how I intended. I'm making an effort to make those changes, to make me not as responsive to the ways I've changed.
Speaker 1:On the make the positive changes. For those negative changes that have happened in my life, I'm at least acknowledging that it's happened and I'm taking the steps to correct them. I may never get them all corrected. I'll never be the same. Because of what I've done in this job, what I've seen, what I've experienced, I'll never be the same. Unfortunately, there is no going back to the Brian that I was then, but I don't have to lose who I was then because of it. I don't have to lose who I am at my core, neither do the rest of us, neither do the rest of us.
Speaker 1:So if you're somebody that maybe have wondered, if you're somebody that has had others say to you about how you've changed. Consider it, because none of us, for the most part, have gotten through this without scars. Likely none of us are the same as we were when we started. Doesn't matter what facet you've served, whether it's in the military, whether it's public safety, doesn't matter. It's more likely than not that none of us are the exact same as we were before we started doing it, and it's logical that we're not.
Speaker 1:But if somebody's pointing out some negative things, at least take the time to consider if what they're saying is right. Take the time to consider if those things are causing you to have negative impacts in your own life and in the lives of those you love and care about. And if you can answer yes that they are, that's something you probably need to work on. It's probably something you need to help. Whether you do it yourself, whether you talk with somebody, whether you seek treatment, it doesn't matter. But make the effort, because those that help support us in the jobs that we do deserve far better than what they get more times than not. It's not their fault what we've experienced. It's not our fault what we've experienced, except the fact that we took the job. But if you're like most of us that do this job. It didn't feel like much of a choice, more of a calling, at least if you got into the job for the right reason.
Speaker 1:There's too much negative attention out there nowadays that you almost can't speak positively of public servants, especially those of us in law enforcement, of public servants, especially those of us in law enforcement. But the rhetoric and the minority of the loud voices that are speaking against it are not factual. We acknowledge that there's bad actors in our professions Law enforcement, fire, ems, military there's bad apples. It's because we're humans. Humans are fallible, just like there's bad apples and bad actors when it comes to doctors and priests and mechanics and sanitation workers. There's bad actors everywhere. We just catch the brunt of it because we're the ones that it's our job to protect others.
Speaker 1:We've got to be willing to take the good with the bad and we've got to be able to speak out when we see it. We've also got to be able to recognize when the job has changed us and make the needed changes. If you need somebody to talk to, I'm always here. I'm an email or a phone call away. If it's not me, I guarantee you've got more people backing you and willing to help you than you think. It's been my experience that we don't give enough people enough credit. So I guess that's all I have to say about it.
Speaker 1:In the meantime, guys, if you want to support what we're doing, you want to support the mission of Breach your Mind, share, like, comment, interact with any of this that you see, whether it's on YouTube, facebook, instagram, tiktok, it doesn't matter. Help us get it out, help us get the word out, the mission out Always. We've got the website. If you want to help support the mission, we've got tons of stuff on the website that you know just by going and viewing the website and spending some time looking around there. It's a help. We've also got the e-commerce store. Again, I said it before, please understand the shop is not something that's meant to be a revenue stream in terms of making breach, you know, monetarily or financially wealthy. It's meant to support what we're doing and we need it. So if you want to help, support, by all means, any of those options are out there for you BreachYourMindcom and, of course, you know, our socials. So in the meantime, guys, I appreciate your time, I appreciate your efforts and stay safe. We'll see you on the next one. Bye.
