Breach Your Mind
Explore life's depths and unlock the secrets of mental well-being on "Breach Your Mind." Join us as we navigate the intricacies of the human experience, offering insights, inspiration, and practical strategies for a fulfilling life. Get ready to breach the barriers of conventional thinking, embrace self-discovery, and nurture your mental health. Let's embark on a transformative journey together. Welcome to Breach Your Mind.
Breach Your Mind
Breaking the Silence on Domestic Violence: A Public Safety Perspective
In this powerful episode, we dive into one of the most critical issues affecting our society today—domestic violence. With 18 years of experience in public safety, Bryan Shearouse shares his deeply personal encounters and insights into the impact domestic violence has on victims, families, and, particularly, children. Bryan discusses the importance of communication, the devastating effects of repeated exposure to violence, and how societal denial often exacerbates the problem.
In addition to sharing stories from his career, Bryan highlights the need for comprehensive mental health support and resources. He introduces the new Breach Your Mind website, which now features a dedicated crisis support page that consolidates vital resources in one easy-to-navigate space, providing help for everyone, from public safety personnel to everyday citizens.
Bryan also discusses the frustrations of repeatedly responding to domestic violence incidents, where children are often the hidden victims, and challenges societal norms that prevent men from reporting abuse. As the episode unfolds, Bryan shares harrowing stories from his time in law enforcement, including one of the worst domestic violence cases he encountered early in his career. His story serves as a stark reminder of the importance of breaking the cycle of violence and doing better as a society.
Join us in this candid conversation as we confront the harsh realities of domestic violence and the hope for change through awareness, resources, and understanding.
Team 1, stand by. Copy Team 1 standing by Breach, breach, breach. Hey guys, what's going on? So welcome back to today's show, or the show.
Speaker 1:Today we're going to cover a topic that, in my opinion, it's an important one. It's one that I've, because of my profession, I've had a great deal of experience in as far as handling. I've seen what it can do to folks, what it can do to families, what it does, has done, to our society, and because of that, I feel like it's important to at least talk about it, and I'm probably not going to talk about it in the manner that you're expecting me to. However, before I get to that, I do have to do some shameless self-promoting. I hate doing that just because I just don't like doing it. However, I do need to do a little something. So, if you guys have not been to our website lately, we had a small error a few days ago, completely tore up the site, and it was a blessing in disguise, because I had the opportunity to rebuild the webpage, get a lot of things more streamlined, they flow a lot smoother now and one of the things that I was actually most excited about, I was actually able to add, along with bringing some pages that I'd already created but I lost because I'm not a code writer and I don't know what I'm doing. But I was able to get those pages up and running as well. Also centralized the podcast page so you don't have to search around for where the podcast is if you don't want to Now. You can just go straight to the website, click on the listen tab and it brings you up to every single one of the podcasts that we've already uploaded, so it's a nice little convenient place for you to listen to all of them.
Speaker 1:But, that being said, the one thing that I'm most excited about is when I looked over the website. I was looking at it and there's pictures of me and talks of the podcast and what the podcast is about and everything like that, but there was really no resource. You know I would tell you to reach out to me, email me, hit us up on the social platforms or whatever, but even though I was saying that I'm not a mental health professional, I wasn't given any guidance to where someone who truly needed professional help could go. And what I was able to do and what I'm excited about was I was able to create a resource page. So I went and found a list of resources 12 or 13 resources on this resource page now and every single one of them has a description of what it's for and it's got a hyperlink that'll take you directly to the website for that particular organization, whether it's the text line, whether it's 988, whether it's cop line, and it's not just public safety, it's not just military, it is for everyone. There are resources available there for everyday citizens. There are resources there that are specifically dedicated to those that have dealt with or deal with the public safety profession or the military.
Speaker 1:To get one place for all of that, because you can go on Google and you can type in mental health. You can type in, you know, whatever issue you're thinking of that pertains to mental health, and it's going to give you a whole list of different places you could go, and every one of them have done their SEO, their search engine optimization. They've all done that, and that makes it much more difficult for someone who's trying to find help. That makes it more difficult because now you're just adding more fog to what's already cluttered in their mind, and with my resource page, I'm able to bring all of them into one place, give a very small description, make it very easy for the person to reach out to it. And then, to top that off, on every single page of the website there's a crisis support button. So off on the left-hand side of the page there's a crisis support button. It is actually pulsating so that it is very much visible no matter where you scroll on the page, it stays right there. So if someone is looking at the website and they're seeing what we have to offer they're looking at the podcast and things like that and they kind of feel like maybe I need some help, or they come there already knowing that they need some help, they can click that little pulsating crisis support button. It takes you right over to the crisis support page and then gives you every one of those resources. All 12 to 13 of those resources are right there. They read through the description that are the very brief description underneath it. They click on the image and it takes them right to that resource. There's no shifting around to try to figure out where you need to go. I put all of that there for you. I made it easy for you to go and get the help that you need to get and because of that feature alone to me, my website brings that much more value to what we're trying to do.
Speaker 1:You know I've said before that you know what the mission for this whole thing was was to help people through tough times and everything like that. And it is. The mission is to break the stigma that surrounds mental health, because, especially those of us in public safety, we experience things at such a higher rate and such a larger volume than the average citizen, but everybody forgets we're people too. We're just human beings, just like everyone else, and we have to deal with those same things. And if anyone thinks that that stuff doesn't affect us, well then you're wrong because it does. Everything that we experience via someone else affects us, and then we have to deal with it. And then, on top of that, we wind up taking that home to our families, and then how we handle that at home with our families can change that whole dynamic.
Speaker 1:So we're all people, we're all individuals and everybody at times needs a little help with something you know, and chances are you yourself, if you're sitting there saying no, not me, I've never needed help, I've got this thing under control chances are you've done it, you've needed it and you've done it and you didn't even realize it, because the more likely scenario is that something was weighing on your heart, something was weighing on your mind and you turned to somebody that you trust and you vented to them. Whether you want to admit it or not, that is also mental health, because you're having to get that it. So, again, you may deny it. It's understood, especially those of us in this profession. We deny it, we deny that we need it. Nope, we're big, strong people. We don't need it. We're A-type personalities. We're good to go, because that's what people want to see. Your teammates don't want to see you break down. The public doesn't want to see you break down. So you got to be strong. So we deny it.
Speaker 1:And with that denial can come a whole slew of other issues, and that's what we're trying to break. That's what the purpose of Breach your Mind is is to break that stigma. And now, because of how we've done the website, we're able to, I guess, push that stigma a little bit further away. At least that's my hope. And, like I said, I'm very excited about that crisis support page and the website in general. I'm much happier with the way it looks, the way it flows. I'm sure, as time goes on, we're going to get more stuff going on to make it even more advertising or not advertising, but appetizing and more interactive. So we're you know, even though we're a few years into this, we're really kind of just getting started. So, again with the shameless self-promotion if you haven't done so, go over to breachyourmindcom, click around on the website, click up and subscribe for the emails or newsletters. Trying to get on the newsletter thing, I've never done that before, so bear with me, but we're trying to get that going.
Speaker 1:So, with that being said, let's get into today's topic. Okay, so again, like I said earlier before I went off on my little rant about the website, today's topic is one that likely everybody's had some kind of experience with Obviously being in public safety for 18 years. I've done it a lot. It has been probably the bread and butter of everything that I've done.
Speaker 1:When you hear about public safety workers having to be social workers and things like that, this is why it's things like domestic violence, it's things like domestic disputes that make us wind up having to be social workers, because what we find out, oddly enough, is it's not just alcohol, it's not just drugs, it's not just infidelity. Often enough, it's just communication. There's a breakdown of communication in the home, whether it's, you know, between the spouse or the spouses, whether it's between the boyfriend and girlfriend, just significant others, whatever, even child and parent. There's a breakdown of communication and because we don't learn how to communicate, the whole thing falls apart. And that's where our domestic violence starts coming from, obviously, things like alcohols and alcohol, drug infidelity, financialist issues. There's a whole slew of issues that contribute to it. So I'm not trying to say that communication is the only thing. There's a whole slew of things that contribute to domestic violence in our country, but communication is one of the ones that I've seen. The biggest part of that substance abuse and infidelity.
Speaker 1:Now, that being said and I don't want this to come off like I am trivializing domestic violence between adults because I'm not um, domestic violence between adults because I'm not um, and I'll give you an example of one of the worst cases of domestic violence that that I've experienced in my career, um, but while I do, while I do acknowledge and want to address and we need to work on handling domestic violence and want to address, and we need to work on handling domestic violence between adults, the more important topic that I think there is to bring up in regards to this is children, and I don't necessarily mean children being involved in the domestic violence in the sense of it's between parent and child or it's between siblings. I'm talking about child victims, children that are exposed to domestic violence and have no choice but to be exposed to it. Okay, that's a problem in our society. Just a simple Google search, looking up some statistics, you'll find that between 3 and 10 million children a year in our country experience domestic violence. 10 to 20 percent of the children in our country experience domestic violence. Of the children in our country experience domestic violence.
Speaker 1:I don't know about y'all. I grew up in a much different time, but I don't know how a child processes stuff like that. You know, I've said before that I come from a split home. I don't ever remember a time when my mom and my dad were married. They were divorced for my entire life, as far as I know, and honestly I never even asked when they got divorced after I was born. So I never grew up in a single family home or a joint family home like that. I went to my dad every other weekend and two weeks out of the summer and stayed with my mom the rest of the time and that was my life. But even at that, my parents took the effort to, even though they couldn't stand each other and I learned later on how much they couldn't stand each other Even though they didn't like each other, they made sure that I knew that they loved me and they made sure to keep their issues between them.
Speaker 1:So, even though I grew up in a split home, I don't understand what these other children go through and I can't imagine what it's like to go through as an adult, going to these scenes and working these domestics. I know, as an adult I don't want to hear people screaming and hollering at one another all the time, but as a child, as a helpless child who can't do anything about it, how do they manage that? How do you bring a child up in a home that is just riddled with domestic violence and expect that child to be okay? And please don't take this as me pointing fingers or anything like that, because I've been on the scenes, I've been in the homes and I've had it said to me. You don't understand. You're right, I don't.
Speaker 1:What I do understand is the fact that I've been married for 24 years. I think it's 24. Where is it? Yeah, I've been married for 24 years. I know life's not easy. I've been married to the same woman for 24 years and have raised our children. We have raised our children and have grandchildren. So while I don't know what it's like, I do know a little something about something and I know how tough life can be, not just from my own experience, but from the job as well.
Speaker 1:Again, I'm not trying to point fingers, I'm not trying to belittle or make anybody feel bad. That's not the point of this. But you have to understand, from a public safety standpoint, how frustrating it gets at times when you're at these homes that are repeated domestic violence incidents and when you try to tell people hey, you know, you guys probably should start thinking about maybe doing some couples therapy, maybe separation Look, it's obviously your relationship's not working out. Maybe y'all need to go your separate ways Until you get to the point of all right, look, I understand everything you're saying, but at some point one of you has to start taking these children into consideration. You have to start realizing that this is going to affect those children and take that into consideration, because if you don't, you're causing those children to be victims.
Speaker 1:And I get told oh well, you know, I just I stay with them because of because of. I stay with them. I stay with this person because of the kids. Because of the kids. What do you mean? You stay with them because of the kids. You're keeping them in a tumultuous situation for the sole purpose that it's for them. You're keeping them in a situation that is causing them mental health issues and mental health struggles for them. I'm not pointing fingers, but I'm going to need that explained to me a little bit. I'm going to need somebody to explain to me how staying in a relationship that is unhealthy as the day is long, is for those children, because the way it comes off I'm not saying this is it, but the way it comes off is you're staying in that relationship for yourself and using the children as a reason to hold on. Not saying that's the case, just saying that that's how it comes off To those of us on the outside that don't know that's how it comes off. And then I hear well, you don't understand how hard it is, I've got no place to go. You're right, I don't know those things, but I always have a list of resources that I can give you. Talk to a victim witness program. There are safe shelters, and that's the one that really upsets me as I tell people okay, well, if you don't feel safe here, you can go to a safe shelter. Ugh, you want me to go to a shelter, to a safe shelter? Ugh, you want me to go to a shelter? Yeah, if you're not safe in this home, if those children aren't safe in this home, yeah, yeah, I want you to go to a shelter, go to a safe haven so that they can give you some resources, since you don't have them now. They can give you those resources. Don't turn your nose up and snub a place that's trying to help you when you've obviously put yourself in a situation that you can't leave.
Speaker 1:This significant other and I'm not just talking about women. Men do it too. It is nationally known that domestic violence, where men are the victims, is underreported for a variety of reasons. The most obvious one is I'm not going to have somebody look at me as a victim, but domestic violence against men is wholeheartedly underreported. So it's not just women that need the help with these shelters and these resources, it's men too.
Speaker 1:I can't tell you how many cases where I've worked, where I go and talk to the family, I talk to the husband, I talk to the wife, the husband, whatever she says, is what happened. I talked to her and she is he did this, he did this, he did this. And then I talked to some witnesses, whether it's the children in the home, adults in the home, neighbors, whatever. I talked to them and they go no, that's not the case at all. He, whatever I talk to them and they go no, that's not the case at all. He's the one that was being victimized, he's the one that was this, that and the other. So now I'm getting their information and guess who? I take action against Her.
Speaker 1:You know, we get it said all the time, y'all just going to believe the woman anyway. I can't speak on other law enforcement officers. I can't speak on other agencies. What I can say is I hope they won't do that. I hope that they don't do that. I hope that they look at the evidence, they look at what's there, they determine who the predominant aggressor is and then they take the legal action against that person.
Speaker 1:Because, whether you know it or not, every state in the US has some domestic violence law on the book, every single one of them. Now, there's different variations in all of them. Some are 100% strict. You will determine a primary aggressor, you will take action against that person and take them to jail. Others just kind of say hey, we're going to give you a little leeway, make the decision you need to make. But one thing that is certain is they remove the right of the victim to press charges against the offender. Do you know that In any domestic violence situation that falls under the domestic violence code section for that state, the state has said per law, the victim in the case is a witness, but the determining factor on whether or not to press charges lies solely in the law enforcement officer or the district attorney or solicitor's office?
Speaker 1:That's moving the case. Now, obviously there's variances in there for different states and different states' law, but in general they remove the right of the victim to press charges against their offender. Can you imagine why they did that? They did it because victims were not wanting to press charges, out of fear, out of believing that if they did press charges they were going to be put out on the street and wouldn't have anything. So the states finally got together and realized you know what? These people are getting themselves killed and we're not doing anything about it, and it's our job to do that. So they changed the law, so we'll get there and people go yeah, they hit me and they did this and they did that, but I don't want to do anything about it. The state says you don't get that option anymore. But appreciate you telling me what happened. I'm gonna go over here and get some more information.
Speaker 1:But on top of all that, when you become a repeat customer and you have children involved, what are you teaching those children? Moms, what are you teaching your daughters? If you have a significant other that puts hands on you, treats you like trash, treats you like property, and you got a little girl that puts hands on you, treats you like trash, treats you like property, and you got a little girl that you're raising, what do you think you're teaching her? You want your little girl to think that that's what it is to be a woman, what that is to be a significant other, for somebody to be submissive, to be their property, to be their punching bag. Dads, men, what are you teaching those boys? You teaching them that it's okay to put hands on women and let's flip the script and go the victim route. You teaching your boys that it's okay for people, to put their hands on them, to hurt them.
Speaker 1:I challenge you all to do some research online. Find out how many deaths result from domestic violence, and then go one step further and look at how many deaths were not the first incident of domestic violence, but multiple, and then think about what those children go through in that home. We've got to do better. We've got to do better as parents, as individuals and as a society. We've got to do better for our children than that. Everybody goes around saying the old line of oh well, the children are our future, but you don't do anything about it. You sit back, you say the words, you post your little memes and everything on Facebook and social media and then you do absolutely nothing about it. Words without action mean nothing. We got to do better.
Speaker 1:One of the worst cases and I'm telling you this because I told you I would, but one of the worst cases of domestic violence that in my 18 years, I've ever experienced happened when I was a rookie. I'd been on the job a year, maybe two years, and get dispatched to a medical call, because that's how it started out. Patient has a gunshot wound to the leg and it's becoming infected. That's weird, that's suspicious. So I jump in my brown crown, I get on down the road and I get there.
Speaker 1:I walk in the home and there's a woman probably late 20s, early 30s, dressed in a black sheer negligee, if you will, some kind of lingerie. There were definitely more lace than solid patches of fabric, more lace than solid patches of fabric. Makeup was completely done, hair was perfectly done, and she's in this lingerie and she's sitting on her bed with a towel over her leg. Ma'am, this is who I am, this is who I'm with, are you okay? Well, I've got this hole in my leg and I think it's getting infected. She pulls the towel off. Sure enough, she's got a hole right through her leg. It is obviously getting infected. Ems gets there. They're dealing with it. I see this.
Speaker 1:I'm on the phone with the investigators, the people that know more than me. Hey, I don't know what I'm doing. Somebody got to come figure this out. The cavalry shows up and, for whatever reason, this woman developed a rapport with me. She wasn't wanting to come open and talk to everybody else, but she would talk to me. So one of the investigators comes to me, says, hey, go in there and see what you can find out. We think that her husband did this, but she's not coming off of anything. She's not telling us what happened. Okay, I'll try.
Speaker 1:So I go into the room. I'm standing next to this woman and she explains to me that what happened. Well, she took a drawer out of her desk and it was a junk drawer, and she decided to go through it. She dumps it in her lap and this loaded revolver that's in there goes off and shoots her in the leg. Well, y'all know how firearms work, especially revolvers work, especially revolvers. Like, if it's a semi-auto maybe, maybe Jennings high point maybe, but a revolver Just go off, fall out, hit you in the leg and go off. I didn't know much about guns then. Probably don't know much more about guns now, but I know that's not likely. Especially when the bullet hole went straight through her thigh, through the mattress and into the floor. Yeah, what gun you see falls, barrel down, fires directly down, straight down, just like that. That would suggest that the action wasn't even hit, that the impact from the barrel to the nice soft tissue of the muscle caused that firearm to go off, that revolver to go off. Mind you, this is 2006, 2007, maybe 2008. Didn't buy it On top of that crime scene, had come to the home and put guide rods in the wall.
Speaker 1:For those of you that don't know, these guide rods are used to help determine a trajectory path of an object and in this particular case, bullets Plural, because there wasn't just a bullet that passed through her leg, there was a variety of holes in the wall at the end of the foot of the bed and they went in an arc, almost as if somebody had come up firing or gone across and down firing, shooting bullets through this trailer wall. That's weird, that's suspicious. But here she is, continue my conversation with her and she winds up telling me that she's dressed the way she is, and the lingerie, the makeup, the hair and like the whole Victoria's Secret thing, she ain't had many secrets. At this point I'm averting my eyes to not be inappropriate at how much is exposed on this woman. She tells me that she dresses like this every single day because her husband says that that's what a good wife does, that when a man comes home from work, she looks her best. On top of that, she tells me that she's going to get in trouble because she hadn't got dinner prepared for him. Further in the conversation I learned that there are sexual acts that happen between them that hurt her, that she didn't want to do, but he said if she was a good wife she would do them anyway.
Speaker 1:Now, guys, I'm sure the machismo is flowing through some people right now, but I was raised primarily by a single mama. She did a lot of things by herself and this is not taken away from my dad or my stepdad, nothing like that. But my mom was a tough woman and that's who raised me for the most part. To hear another woman make those statements completely shut me down, because I couldn't understand how a human being would think that it was okay to be treated that way, that they thought it was okay to be treated not only like property but trash, be treated not only like property but trash. This man treated his wife like she was just his little toy, that she had no feelings, no emotions and it was okay to him.
Speaker 1:And then when I try as rookie as I was when I try to have further conversation about it, she says she lets me know that there's physical violence that goes on with it as well, and through conversation she tells me that it's her fault, that she deserved it, that had she been a better wife, he wouldn't have had to put her hands on him. Are you serious? I'd always heard about cases like this existing, the battered wife syndrome and everything else. I'd heard about that. I'd heard about that. But standing less than a foot from me or sitting a foot from me was a woman dressed the way she was, with a bullet hole in her leg, telling me that everything that was happening to her she deserved because she wasn't a good enough wife. And to kind of get to the end of the story, because I don't want to keep dragging this out ultimately she would not come off of the fact that her husband shot her when they interviewed him. He wouldn't come off the fact that he shot her.
Speaker 1:Ultimately, we wound up with absolutely nothing we could prosecute. We all knew better. Every fiber of our being told us better, but our hands wound up getting tied and we could do nothing about it. So we did the only thing we knew we could do we get her to a safe shelter. Safe shelter winds up getting her airline tickets to fly back to her home state where her children yes, her children this man had separated her and cut her off from her entire family to include her children. We get her plane tickets to go all the way back. She calls her husband from the safe shelter and says this is where I am, come pick me up. Husband drives to the safe shelter, picks her up, takes her back home and she never gets on the airplane.
Speaker 1:And I'd love to be able to tell you that I followed up on it and so on and so forth, and this, that and the other happened, but even to this day I have no idea what happened with that woman or that situation. I know we wound up having another incident at the home that another shift handled, but outside of that I couldn't tell you. I don't have a clue, but that's the worst one I've ever seen. And then I think about the fact that these other homes where I'm seeing property damage, people being injured I'm thinking about these small children that are living in the home and the parents are doing nothing or the responsible adults responsible are making up excuses to constantly expose these children to domestic violence. Don't get me wrong, I want to domestic violence, don't get me wrong. I want to help adults. I want them to not have to go through that and, if I can, spend some extra time trying to help them learn to communicate and live better, and so on and so forth, then that's what I'm going to do.
Speaker 1:But I've been in the homes too many times where no adult will be responsible and do what they need to be doing. They just keep repeating the cycle and exposing these children to it, and then I have to do the one thing that I don't want to do, which is turn the case over to a child care service and have them start doing something about it, which usually ends up with the children being removed from the home. I don't want to do it because I can't imagine my children ever being taken away from me. When they were young enough to be in my home like that, I couldn't imagine it, so I don't want to do that to a parent. But as a professional, as a father and, I'd like to think, a decent human being, that's the best option that I've got for those kids if I want those kids to have any chance in this life whatsoever, free from domestic violence and mental health issues that come with it. So we got to do better.
Speaker 1:If you guys are in a relationship that is riddled with domestic violence, figure it out. Keep your issues your issues. Don't bring those children into it. They don't deserve it. They didn't ask for it. They didn't ask to be here to begin with. They definitely don't ask you to make them victims as an adult, do what needs to be right. Do what needs to be done and do it right. If you can't work together, then separate, figure it out and separate. You don't have to like each other.
Speaker 1:My mom and dad tolerated each other. My mom let me know how cold-hearted my dad was. My dad don't ever recall him saying an ill word toward my mom, but I knew from his demeanor he wasn't her biggest fan. But they kept it away from me in terms of not making their issues my issue. When it came to school functions, my parents were there. When it came to baseball, my parents were there. Football, my parents were there. They didn't sit there and argue. They didn't use me as leverage against the other parent.
Speaker 1:And now that's what we see. We got to do better. I'm going to keep doing my part. Those in the public safety world are going to continue to do our part, but there's way more of y'all than there is of us and we can't do it alone. So we need your help as individuals and as a society. We need your help to help get rid of this, to help do better. We're not going to get rid of it forever. That's just not a feasible thing. I live in a realistic world where I know that all the ill-gotten things that happen in this world will never completely go away, but it don't mean we can't make it better, and we're the only ones that can, because there's nobody else going to do it for us. So, with that being said, I'm going to go ahead and kick you guys loose. I appreciate you staying with me. I appreciate that you listen to me rant, and again, with the selfless, shameless self-promotion.
Speaker 1:Whatever you want to say, go over to the website reachyourmindcom. Give it a look and give me some likes and follows. Guys, there's a place on the website as well where you can send an email. I would love to hear from you guys. I would love to have y'all email me, even if it's just for me to talk about something you want to hear about. Or if you even just want to do a one-on-one interview and be on the show, I'm game with that too. I would love to have somebody else to talk to, because this is difficult doing by yourself, okay, so reach out. I'd love to have you guys. I want to hear from you. Get on the website, send some emails and let's get it done. Until next time, be safe, guys. Bye.
