Breach Your Mind
Breach Your Mind is a podcast about mental health, resilience, leadership, law enforcement, and the reality of working through hard experiences.
Hosted by Bryan, the show focuses on honest conversations about stress, trauma, growth, accountability, and what it takes to keep moving forward when life gets heavy.
This is not polished self-help or empty motivation. It is a grounded discussion for people who want to think more deeply, face hard truths, and build a stronger mind.
Breach Your Mind
Resilience Amidst Adversity
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Join us in this gripping episode as we delve into a life-changing moment when I faced an emergency, performing CPR for the first time. Hear the raw emotions, the lasting impact, and the journey of coping with the aftermath of that fateful day, as I share the untold story of resilience and healing.
Stressful CPR Experience With an Infant
Speaker 1Team one stand by Copy . Team one stand by Breach , breach , breach . Hey you guys , welcome back . So recently I was asked to maybe share a story or share an experience in my life that caused me some stress , some mental stress that had a lasting effect on me . And you know it's hard to go back and try to pick out individual moments and things like that . Obviously there are some that stick out more than others . But you know , when you think back over your lifetime and you know what experiences and moments changed you or affected you a certain way , especially when you're getting ready to try to present something like that , it can be a little more difficult . But in thinking about it there was a moment that kind of stuck out pretty strong . It was a moment of firsts , it was terrifying , it was a whole lot of emotions all wrapped up into what felt like an eternity . And that'll be what we talk about . And we'll be talking about how it affected me , what the situation was , and you know how I kind of got through things , so I may have talked about it before .
Speaker 1I don't really recall , but earlier on in my career I was a new supervisor and currently training somebody . At the time this individual I was , you know , kind of given the tour , taking around showing you know where some of the places in our area were that were of note worthy , and while we were at one place we were taking the tour and seeing what they did there and things like that , and a call come out and the call was for a seven or eight month old child that had drowned . We weren't too far from the call and we left where we were headed to , where the call was Get there , park out in the driveway , run up to the house . And you know , like most people , we ran to the front door because that's where it's common to go to a house . And you know , knock on the door , grab the door , knob and nothing , the door is locked . So I'm beating on the door and I'm yelling loudly who we are and I hear a voice from inside and you know hear heavy footsteps come across the floor and the door snatches open and me and the person I was training , you know , come rushing in asking you know where the child is , or some points over to a counter , says he's over there , he's over there . So you know , we rush over and we train . We train a lot for the jobs we do . It doesn't matter what your job is , you know , you train for it . We're , you know the same . We train for these things , you know , especially being in public safety and in a first responder . You're , you know , you're trained to get there and start handling the situation .
Speaker 1However , my brain wasn't ready . My brain wasn't ready for what I was about to see when I looked toward this countertop and started moving towards it . It was a baby . You know , we say seven , eight month old baby and you know , a lot of times people's minds can go right to it . But my brain hadn't pictured it yet , you know , hadn't pictured how small this human being was , how small this child was . You know , I'm not small and seeing this , this eight month old baby , even if having with having kids of my own , you know , my brain immediately went oh crap , holy crap . So I run over to this baby and immediately noticed that the child is starting to turn blue from the mouth down and felt for a pulse . He had a pulse , however , he wasn't breathing . I would get an occasional like strong gasp of air , just , and then nothing , no exhale . At least it seemed like there was no exhale , no , nothing . And you know , it was obvious in that moment that this baby was in the stress . You know the baby's starting to turn blue from lack of oxygen , the , the distressed breathing , the heartbeat was there but it and it wasn't , you know , very strong .
Speaker 1And you know I'm trying to go back to my training and I had only done at this point . I'd had CPR classes and everything like that , but I'd only done CPR on the CPR mannequins . You know the little , the little upper torso that you do your compressions on and you get the little clicks when you know you're going deep enough on the compression and the little child that you're holding in your arm and you're flipping them over and you're giving them the chops in the back when they've got something lodged in their throat , you know . And the two fingers and the whole thing . You know any of you guys that have been through CPR you know what I'm talking about . That's the only place I'd ever done CPR .
Speaker 1I'd never done CPR on another living being a day in my life and , truth be told , I really hoped I would never have to because obviously I took the training serious but I didn't feel qualified . I didn't feel qualified to to be responsible for trying to bring someone you know back to life , so to speak , or , you know , help them stay alive . I didn't feel qualified for that . You know that's that wasn't , that wasn't the job that I primarily trained for . But here I am , in this situation and this eight month old baby , this seven eighth month old baby , is laying there and needs somebody . And it was me . It was me and my trainee . So you know , as fast as my brain can process what I need to do , you know , check the pulse , check the , the respirations and immediately I start giving chest compressions . You know , that was what they taught us Go ahead and start giving chest compressions . So I was giving chest compressions and tilting the head and putting my mouth over the baby's nose and mouth and giving rescue breaths .
Speaker 1Going back to giving chest compressions and , guys , I don't I don't really know how to express it when the first time you do CPR , it's on a child that's that small and you're taking your hands and my hands are fairly big and you're taking your hands and you're , you're taking two fingers and you're covering up that , that child's chest . You know , not the whole chest , but you're , you're covering that child of a large portion of that child's chest just with your fingers and you're having to make sure that you're . You're pressing in on that child's chest just enough , but not too much . And I'm sitting here doing this to this baby and again I would get the occasional gastrous and then nothing . You know I'm , and the whole time I'm going . Come on , buddy , come on , stay with me , come on , keep coming . I need you to come on , breathe , breathe , breathe , buddy .
Speaker 1And it felt like an eternity that I'm sitting here doing these chest compressions on this child . You know , time just kind of stopped . Nobody else was coming . Everybody else had been dispatched but nobody else was coming At least that's how it felt and in the moment it was just me and this baby . It was me and this baby in this moment , and this baby was relying on me , of all people , to help him stay alive . So I kept going .
Speaker 1Eventually I heard another first responder get on scene and I know this man , you know . I know that he has more training and what I'm dealing with than I do . So when I hear he's a , when I hear that he's on scene , you know , my brain immediately goes thank God somebody else is better qualified to help . This baby is finally here . My friend comes in the door . He comes running in and you know he's Brian , where are you at ? I'm over here . He immediately comes over to me and he takes out a stethoscope and he starts listening for a heartbeat .
Speaker 1But he does something I didn't expect . He didn't tell me to move , he didn't tell me I got it , nothing . He says okay , keep going . You know , and while my actions didn't stop , my brain meant what do you mean ? Keep going ? No , no , no , no , no , no , no , no , no , no , no , no , it's not . Keep going . This is . You're the hero . Now . This is . This is where you step in , this is where you save this baby's life , because I'm not capable . I'm not capable of saving this child's life . You need to do this Now .
Speaker 1This is what's going through my brain while I'm sitting here with this small child and I'm continuing and I'm giving the breath sounds and when I are the rescue breaths , and every time I would give a breath , you know my buddy would say you got good breath sounds , keep going . So I would keep going and I keep pressing on this child's chest and again , time just stands still . You know there's nobody else coming , it's just us . It's me , who is woefully unqualified to be doing this on this small child and my buddy , who's given me encouragement and telling me you know , keep going . And the only thing I can say while I'm doing chest compressions on this small child is come on , buddy , come back to us . Come on , little guy , come on , buddy , you know , I'm begging him . I'm begging him to take a breath . I'm begging him to start breathing , because I can't do this . I'm not ready to be responsible for this baby like this , but no one else was , so I Keep going .
Rescuing a Baby in Distress
Speaker 1Eventually I hear the ambulance pull up and and I hear other people get there , and as soon as I heard the ambulance Get here , my buddy says okay , brian , the ambulance is here . I Couldn't , I couldn't sit there and know that I wasn't doing any good for that baby anymore and I scoop up this baby and I go running out the door . I run out the front door , down the wooden steps across the yard and by the time I got to the ambulance , the EMTs were already in the back and they had opened up the door and were standing there with their arms open . And all I Think was thank God , save this baby . And I've run up to the door and I hand the baby off and I don't say anything else , I just hand the baby off and they immediately go back inside the ambulance , shut the door and they go to work and you know I go back , I go back towards the , the residents , the ambulance eventually eventually takes off , you know , running lights , and sirens towards the hospital and we're left there . You know Some of this , especially because it's been so long as there's kind of a blur at this point , you know .
Speaker 1I do know that we went back in and we spoke with the male that was there , you know , interviewed him to see what all had happened and According to him According to him he was given both children there was this eight month old baby and there was another child there . He was given both of these children a bath and , while doing something with the other child , this seven , eight month old baby slept below the water . But just for a moment . And While I'm doing this interview , after everything that I just did which wasn't much and I don't , I don't mean to make it seem like I did anything , because to me I did absolutely nothing for that child but my brain's processing this and that's the wait a minute that baby was in that bad a shape after just a brief moment , like how long ? How long is a brief moment ? And my brain's going back through what I saw and what I processed and everything in those moments that I was there Doing CPR on this baby .
Speaker 1The baby was already in a diaper and the baby's hair was dry . I know the baby's hair was dry because I had to , you know , do the the chin lift , had to raise the baby's chin up and my hand went through the baby's hair as I , as I , caressed its head so that I could lift its chin up , and that hair was dry . You know the , the male that was there was wrapped in a towel when I first got there , but this baby was not wet . This baby , you know , dry hair and in a diaper . You know if a baby goes under the water and apparently this is my rational mind or irrational mind at the moment but if a baby goes under the water and then you know Briefly and then stops breathing , who takes the time to put a diaper on it ? You know , of course I'm thinking about these things , but nothing's really registering .
Speaker 1So we're there and we wait for investigators to get to the scene because it's , you know , an incident that involves a child , and the investigators get out there and they start doing their job . And at this point I'm just glad everybody else is there , because I really don't want to do anything . Now , you know , my brain just keeps flashing back to what I saw in the video . My brain just keeps flashing back to what I saw , which was this small baby , you know , sitting on this countertop , starting to turn blue and Gasping for air , and not even like repeated gasping , it was , you know , it felt like minutes Between a gasp of air . So I know this baby's brain was getting starved of oxygen too . So I didn't want to , I didn't want to have to deal with anything , I didn't want to talk to anybody . I didn't want to do anything . I didn't want to talk to the guy that was there no one , you know . I briefed the investigators , I talked with my trainee and you know it was just kind of a Sit and wait kind of moment .
Speaker 1When you get in those situations , you don't just get up and leave you , you have to wait around . You know you , the investigation is ongoing and especially when the scene is fresh , you're there . So we had to stay there and I don't know how much longer after afterwards , but One of the investigators came up and he showed me a picture and he said Is this how this baby looked when you got here ? And when I looked at the picture , all I saw was Deep blue , deep blue , you know , almost purplish um discoloration from the top of the top of the lips down . And immediately I panicked . You know , obviously , the the baby had started to turn a little bit blue , but it , you know , it was like the lips . It wasn't , it wasn't much more than the lips , but they're showing me this picture of this baby , and this baby looks like his face from his lips down , you know , to his chin are bruised . And the only thought that goes through my mind is that's not how that baby looked .
Speaker 1When I got there and then my brain goes to you were doing CPR on that child and you had to put your mouth over that child's nose and mouth . Did you do this ? Did you just hurt this child more Than what it was already having to deal with ? And I started to painting because now , you know , all I wanted to do was try to save this baby's life . And then , looking at this picture , all I could see was that all I did was hurt this baby .
Child Abuse Investigation and Emotional Impact
Speaker 1And I remember looking at the investor going , oh my God , did I do that to that child ? And he said no , I need you to calm down and look at this picture . Is this how the baby looked when you got here ? I know I need to know . Did I do that to that child ? He said , no , you didn't do this to this child . Right now we're investigating this as a child abuse case . And I kind of stopped and I said do what I said . The guy said the baby went under the water . He goes Brian , I know , but we're investigating this as a child abuse case right now . But he said the baby went under the water .
Speaker 1Now , mind you , my brain's already processed that the baby's hair was dry , was in the diaper , all of these other things . But in that moment , especially after seeing that picture of this child whose face look bruised , I'm forgetting all of that . But brain's not processing logically anymore . Now my brain's going back to what the initial call was , what I did , what I just saw in that picture . So my brain's not processing it and I was just confused . So we go through the rest of the scene and we finish up just like we would any other scene Go back to the office , complete the report and forward the report over to the investigators .
Speaker 1And it was some time later where I don't remember if it was that day or the next day . I want to say it was that same day that I got a call from that same investigator and he said Brian , I just want to let you know that we've we've arrested the male that was on scene . And I said can you tell me what happened ? And he said he beat that baby . Do what . He said he beat that baby . He's the reason that baby wasn't breathing when you got there and I remember immediately feeling angry because who does that to a child , who can do that to an eight month old child ? I can't fathom . You know , obviously , in the line of work I'm in , I've come across it and I've dealt with it , but this was the first time I was really dealing with it like that . You know I've had other child abuse cases where it was apparent that you know discipline the child too hard , but it was you know marks and things like that on the child , not excusing it by any means , please don't take it that way but none to where the child stopped breathing and I was . I was immediately angry Like how could you do this ? How could you do this , how could you do this , how could you do this to this baby ? This baby didn't nothing . This baby did nothing to anyone , didn't even ask to be here , and this is this is how you treat it . So move forward .
Speaker 1And in the days and weeks that followed , I heard more and more about it and the thoughts of what I saw never left my mind Running into that house . You know , seeing that baby on that counter , seeing that baby , you know , lips turning blue and having to do CPR for the first time ever in my life on a human being . And it's an eight month old child . Not that I think it would have been too terribly different had it been an adult , but this was a child . You know , my general thought process is , as adults , we've kind of lived our lives , not that we're , you know , you know , easily dispensable by any means , but a child , you know , the whole women and children first kind of thing . You know , children haven't had a chance to live yet . They haven't had a chance to leave their mark on the world . They've had a chance to make a difference . That was big . You know , it hit me . It hit me deep and and full disclosure .
Speaker 1I , sometime thereafter that incident , I wound up driving down that stretch of roads where I was going to have to drive past that house and as I passed by the house I looked over and saw the house and saw the front door and immediately I could see where my car was parked and I could see the path that I ran to get to the house and the door that I went in . And I knew exactly from from looking on the outside of the house , I knew exactly where that countertop was , even though I couldn't see through the wall . I knew exactly where that countertop was in that house . I knew exactly where it was that I stood to do CPR on this eight month old baby and I broke down you know I'm driving alone in my car and I broke down in tears and I started crying because this eight month old baby , the baby , survived , but he was a vegetable , he was brain dead , he was living off of machines , he was only alive because of machines . So I was told , and the only thing I could think of then was what was it all ? For ? What good did it do ? What good did it do what ? What good did me doing CPR on that baby do for that child . Even now it , even now it bothers me . But I asked myself you know what was it for ? This baby has no quality of life . This baby , this baby , will never know what it's like to To feel the wind across his face , never know what it's like to feel a loved one's embrace , never know what it's like to see a firefly at night . You know none of these things Because he's bedridden and machines are keeping him alive , because the man that was responsible for watching him Beating it was a good solid year before I could drive past that house .
Impact of a Traumatic Court Case
Speaker 1It was a full year before I could drive past that house without breaking down . I didn't care what call I was going to . I would intentionally drive out of my way to keep from going down that small stretch of road , just so I didn't have to go past that house , because every time I saw it it was a memory of what I experienced and how that child was now having to live Because of one person's I hate to say it , but one person's evil intent . Come around time for the trial and I was told that obviously there were plenty of us opinioned for the case and I was told that they played the body camera footage of my buddy that showed up after I did . They played his body camera footage and in the footage you can see me doing CPR and in the audio you can hear me begging this baby to come back . You can hear me begging him to breathe . And I wasn't privy to it because we were sequestered . But I was told that there were jury members that started crying at that point because now they were seeing what I saw , they seeing what I had to do . They were seeing the shape that this baby was in . They were listening to this baby take these brief gasps of air and then listening to a grown man beg this baby to live , and it broke some of them down . I eventually got called and I testified .
Speaker 1A lot of people testified in that case , a lot of experts and doctors and people that are way smarter than me . And the thing with trials is , once you're done testifying , once you're excused , you can sit through the court case . You can come back day for day , however much you need . Whatever you can come back because you're excused . They're not going to have any more questions for you . So there's no chance of contamination of testimonies or anything like that . And out of all of my years , even to now , 17 years into it , even to now . That is the only court case that I went back for . That's the only court case that I stayed for once I was excused , I was invested .
Speaker 1I had to know what happened to that baby and then I had to know what happened to the man that did it . And during that trial I heard the experts testify . This eight month old baby had a skull fracture . Seven , eight months old with a skull fracture . One of the experts that was there expressed that because of how malleable a child , that young skull , is , that to cause a fracture like that in that particular portion of that child's skull would be the equivalent of taking a two story fall from a balcony and hitting the head . When , when it was asked of how the child ended up with a skull fracture , it was said that the child was walking and fell and hit the fireplace . That math don't add up to me .
Speaker 1They also found bite marks on the child , or a bite mark on the child , and there were reasons why . They expressed why the bite mark was likely there . But it was said that well , that's a child's bite mark . Well , they had expert testimony that there's no way that the only other child in the home caused that bite mark . The bite mark was entirely too large to be a child's bite mark , so they knew that it was an adult , which meant not only did this eight month old baby have a fractured skull , but was bitten by this man .
Speaker 1So I sat there and I listened through the trial and I listened to the testimonies of the experts and the testimonies of everybody else that was called in and I waited . The jury was given their orders and they were excused to go to their deliberation room and I waited with everyone else . Eventually we got the notice that the jury had reached a decision and we go back into the courtroom and you know , I've never been on pins and needles more a day in my life . The reason why is because you never know what's going to happen with the jury trial . Sometimes , no matter how strong your evidence is , no matter how strong your testimony is , it's called a jury of your peers Means the fate of the case lies in their hands and what they believe occurred based on the facts beyond a reasonable doubt . And sometimes , no matter how hard you try , no matter how much evidence you have , the jury goes the other way .
Speaker 1Obviously , you can imagine that I didn't want the jury to go the other way on this one . All of the evidence , all of the facts pointed to this man hurt this child and I didn't want him to get away with it . I didn't think it was right that he should be able to hurt this small child and then be able to live a free man . I just didn't seem right . So we sat there and the jury's decision was read and he was found guilty . He was found guilty of every charge and he was sentenced to 60 years . This man and I believe he was in his 20s was sentenced to 60 years for what he did to this child , and to me that wasn't long enough , but it was something . It was something for what he did to that child .
Speaker 1You know , obviously , as you guys can see that and maybe even hear that , even talking about it now , all these years later and we're talking more than a decade it still affects me . I will never forget that day in my life . I will never forget the panic I felt . I will never forget the things that I saw . I found out it was three years after the incident occurred that that baby died . He lived three years after he was brutally assaulted , living on machines , being fed with a feeding tube . He lives three years . It's hard now . Even now it's hard to think that , yeah , the actions that all of us took that day the actions I took , the ambulance took , or the EMTs , the doctors we preserved that child's life . Three years to live on machines , the quality of life whatsoever . My wife has done the best she could to get me to rationalize it In her words . That was three years that that child's mother and other family members that loved him wouldn't have gotten . They got those three years with him . To some extent that makes it a little better , but not entirely . Even to this day . I will actually say I actually live on the same road now where that incident occurred . I can ride by there , I can look at the house . I don't get choked up about it anymore , not about that .
Speaker 1I send moments like this , moments like this when I'm speaking intimately about what I saw , what I felt , what I heard . It's in these moments that it tricks me up , because I'll never forget it . It's made a lasting impact on my life . Eventually , when I told you that I couldn't even drive past the house , the only reason I was able to start was because I finally told myself you've got to let go of it . It's already happened , there's nothing you can do to change it . You have to let go . You have to let go of that pain , you have to let go of those memories and you have to get back to the job at hand .
Speaker 1And one day I made the decision to drive past the house , and I did . I didn't avoid looking at the house . I looked straight at it and I told myself it's okay , took me a year to get there . But I told myself it was okay Because there's nothing I could have done differently . There's nothing I could have done that would have changed anything . It was okay , I could let it go , but I won't ever forget it . So there you go .
Life-Changing Moment and Lessons Learned
Speaker 1That is one moment out of probably many in my life that impacted me deeply and helped shape me and form me in who I am today , how I approach situations , how I handle situations , how I prepare for situations . It also taught me that you have to let it go . You can't hold on to it forever . You know , at the end of the day , that wasn't my child , so I had to let it go . So , guys , I don't know how or who that story can help , but I hope it can and I hope that if you're dealing with something like this or , god forbid , you have to deal with something like this that maybe you can reflect back on the story I shared and maybe it can help you get through it too . So until next time , guys , appreciate you chopping in , appreciate you listening and appreciate your time . Catch you on the next one . Bye .
